Cooking Light Bastardization Episode 1

Welcome to the Cooking Light Bastardization Series!

My beloved best friend recently gifted me a subscription to Cooking Light. Which is awesome. Unlike cookbooks, which have a finite number of recipes I can completely change, Cooking Light delivers well over a hundred virgin recipes each month. My pen and my wrath are glorious.

But seriously, the magazine is bursting with culinary joy, and I won't let Not-Having-That-One-Ingredient-Syndrome stop me. Or the fact that I'm a vegetarian while these editors just love licking their hunks of meat. So, as a way to kick-off actually working on this blog I thought up a long time ago, I'm kicking off a little mini-series in conjunction. We'll start with what was supposed to be Stir-Fried Chinese Egg Noodles.

Dreamy Take-Out Noodles
/As in, what you always wish they tasted like when you break down and ordered them/

1 pkg fresh yakisoba noodles, or al-dente ramen if you're on a super-budget
1 cup green beans snapped into smaller pieces (Get them from the garden! 'Tis the season!)
2 cups chopped cabbage
1/4 cup soy sauce
3 tbsp sesame oil
3 tbsp minced garlic
1 tbsp sriracha
1 tbsp ketchup
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 small lime, juiced (muddle the peels in your ice water, you'll need it in this heat.)

If you're tempted to leave out anything, DO IT. Just don't leave out the sesame oil. Ever. It's one of my few golden ingredients. Anyway, throw everything except the noodles into a pan, and crank it up to medium-high. The concoction will start to boil, what with the cellular structure of the cabbage breaking down. When the cabbage is on it's knees, but there's still a lot of liquid, throw in the noodles. If you've been slacking, start paying attention now, since the noodles will soak it all up fast. Once the liquid is gone, continue to pan-fry for 1 minute for texture. If you haven't already eaten it all, you can throw in 2 eggs for protein. Just be sure to coat all of it very thoroughly and stir constantly.

Please be warned that this dish is bold, even for my kitchen. There's an awful lot of tang, and the brown sugar only barely takes the edge off. This is why it's awesome. Subtlety is for take-out noodles, which always sound horribly amazing, and then turn out to be plain noodles with a few pieces of wilted vegetables hidden at the bottom. If you need something more takeout-y, skip the soy sauce and stir fry everything together. Or, if you just feel like a little less 'zing,' replace about half the soy sauce with sweet orange marmalade. I'll give you points if you beat me to it!